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WEEK 8 | MONTH TWO | BABY KIDNEY BEAN
FRIDAY MAY 6TH
It's fun staying home from work! I get to spend an extra day with my kids and husband...can't ask for more than that. We visited Landon's future kindergarten. It went well except that I didn't bring a snack along with me so i started feeling really sick. I started worrying I'd lose what little food I'd been able to consume prior to the tour, but I didn't. I made it home and quickly grabbed something before we headed out again,
My weight hadn't gone up this past week. I was surprised, seen as I'd been eating constantly...or at least it felt like i was eating constantly. I know my metabolism explodes when i'm pregnant and I've been trying my best to eat healthy foods so maybe that's why. My body must not need to gain anything yet. I checked back on Kiley's weight graph and it showed I fluctuated drastically during the first trimester. I didn't start consistently gaining until i was further into the pregnancy. So really this time isn't any different, I'm just staying the same rather than gaining and losing. Isn't that kinda like staying the same? Basically. I'll keep on trucking along...without worry. I have full confidence in my ability to nourish my little Kidney Bean.
I helped Mike with some yard work today...picked up piles of sticks and leaves while he mowed the lawn. It was nice to get outside and move around! Just had to be sure not to overexert. I was ok, just a got a really tired and hungry after awhile. What a perfect day!
SATURDAY MAY 7TH
Next week's weigh-in will be interesting. We picked up our anniversary cake yesterday, something we've had every year since we got married. Mmmmm...Buttercream Collection. BEST cakes on the planet, hands down! Mike and I take these cakes home every year with the intent of eating mainly cake...and ice cream...and reddi whip....for a few days .Yes, it only takes us a few days to scarf down a cake meant to fead 10 people. What!? It's good! Amazing, really, Heaven in an cake, I always say. Already since yesterday I've eaten a few pieces...and a few scoops...and many dollops. In my defense, the cake doesn't stay good long so we are basically forced, yes forced, to eat it quickly. We are doing our cake duty. And Baby seems to like it too. I've been feeling more sick lately so I wait until that subsides before I eat the cake, etc, but every time I do the sickness goes away for awhile. Its a nice break. I always new that cake had magic powers.
Speaking of breaks, I had a good few hours today without any sickness!! It was truly amazing. I felt like ME again. I laughed and moved and felt great. I hadn't felt completely free of sickness in weeks. Mike and Landon were out so i quickly texted him and said i wanted to go eat somewhere because i felt awesome. And i did...until after we ate. Then it returned. The whole evening and night I was back laying on the couch, trying to eat what i could here and there to keep it at bay. By the time I went to bed the pain had lessened, but not enough to take my prenatal vitamin. Sometimes I simply can't put that massive capsule on my tongue, even just for a second. In the beginning i was busting open the capsule and mixing the contents with water. I'll go back to that once i can stomach it...it tastes pretty strongly of ick. I was able to take a pill yesterday so I'm not worried. Luckily I don't have to swallow my progesterone!
SUNDAY MAY 8TH
Nausea has been stronger today. I feel this battle going on internally between feeling hungry, sick and full all at the same time. It's been a lose-lose today. As the evening rolled in Mike said he could go for a good steak. I wasn't completely sold, since i still felt sick and full. But eventually i started feeling hungry. We decided against steak, however, fearing the steak places would be busy for Mother's Day. Instead we went to Olive Garden...oh sure, like they wouldn't be busy on Mother's Day. As it turned out, we got lucky! We only had to wait 25 minutes! I felt like crap by the time we started ordering. "I need that salad" I told Mike. It couldn't come fast enough!
The salad tasted amazing, as did my meal, but everything was slightly tainted by my steady nausea. I took half my pasta home...hopefully I'll have the stomach to eat it another day!
I couldn't take my prenatal vitamin tonight. I could tell the weight of the capsule on my tongue would trigger a not-so-pleasant response. I was also worried about the taste of it and the water I'd need to consume. I decided not puking was worth skipping a vitamin for one night.
MONDAY MAY 9TH
I was supposed to go food shopping today but couldn't get myself to go. I just kept thinking about all that food, the smells...my nausea was too strong. I made the mistake of not going straight from work after picking up the kids from Mike. I went home so we could eat dinner. But not only did i not want to get the kids all packed up again, all i could bring myself to do was lay on the couch with them. Which was wonderful, by the way. Food shopping will have to wait until tomorrow.
TUESDAY MAY 10TH
Happy Anniversary to me!!! And to Mike!!! To US!!! Two anniversaries ago, I was pregnant with Kiley, all round in the middle and ready to pop...and i did, 10 days later. I remember scarfing on our annual Buttercream Signature Cake, feeding my Kiley Bean with Heavenly goodness. This year the cake actually saved me from some nauseic (that's my new word) episodes. When I felt it coming on strong after eating a good small meal I took a small slice, piled on a scoop of chocolate chip ice cream and reddi whip, and dug in ever so slowly. By the end the nausea had disappeared, sometimes for hours! We got the cake last Friday and each time i had some i felt amazing after. Most other foods, even healthy ones, have led to some discomfort after. Another one of Nature's cruel jokes. I should and am trying to eat healthy, but i feel worse after and better once i eat cake and ice cream, something i'm not even wanting to eat. Ironic. Once the nausea lessens, eating healthy will be much easier.
I was able to take my pill tonight!! It took some coaxing. I stared at it, trying to walk myself through the possibility of the capsule feeling like a finger pushing on the back of my tongue, and how i would prevent any loss of goods. I took some deep breaths and went for it. I was able to drink more water than i thought, so that helped it go down. But its amazing how a few-gram capsule can seem like a chunk of lead when placed on a trigger-happy tongue. I'm happy I was able to consume much-needed vitamins for my Baby Kidney Bean.
WEDNESDAY MAY 11TH
So...do i complain about there being less nausea today at work or love it? I'm torn. Why on earth, you ask?! Its the idea of lacking symptoms that raises fear in my mind that I'm no longer pregnant. I have no other symptoms thus far to fall back on if the nausea disappears. My breasts look just as tiny as ever with no sensitivity, my hair and skin seem consistent with my non-pregnant self, my teeth do not feel overly sensitive, i'm tired but not overly so like i was even a week ago, there's no swelling anywheres...there's nothing. Just the nausea. Its the only thing keeping me calm until I get another ultrasound.
Speaking of ultrasound, I'm thinking i should schedule another one. This Friday will be the 9-week milestone...we lost Olive at 9 weeks and discovered her lifeless body during an ultrasound. So here I am with another struggle. I feel the need for a 9-week ultrasound but i'm scared to have one. Kiley's 9-week ultrasound was wonderful, so this one can be too! I think I need to. Its the only way Mike and I will know we've made it past this huge milestone. Without an ultrasound, we will go on wondering for weeks, until the next milestone of 12 weeks. I don't want to wait that long to feel relaxed again.
THURSDAY MAY 12TH
Dear Olive, my sweet tiny angel baby, your momma is scared. Tomorrow your new brother or sister will be 9 weeks along and that's when I lost you. You were the most beautiful little baby, all dancy and happy at our 6-week ultrasound. I loved you dearly and my heart was filled with so much joy. Maybe this was gonna happen this time! But at our 9-week ultrasound...you weren't moving. My beautiful baby girl was lifeless, still. Just the size of an olive. I feel a pit in my stomach now that i'm approaching the same time in this pregnancy. I'm scared to have an ultrasound and see this baby without a heartbeat after seeing one at 5 weeks. I'm scared to face that chance of things being over and having to say good-bye to another child, to have to hold another baby in a jar and attend another incredibly heart-wrenching burial service with dozens of other parents who also lost their babies. But at the same time, I need to see this baby again. I know you understand my fear, my anxiety. You felt it when you were inside the womb. You were there from day one and afterwards, and i feel you in my heart to this day. You watch over Landon and Kiley...I hope you are watching over this little baby too. I wish you could tell me the baby is ok, or maybe you can...maybe i just need you to say it will be ok no matter what. I just need some positive spirit...