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WEEK 4 | MONTH ONE | BABY POPPYSEED
SUNDAY APRIL 10TH
I cannot believe I am writing another pregnancy blog!! My husband Mike told me "if you're willing to do the deed you better be willing to accept the consequences." Well I'd say this is a most blessed punishment of our love I can think of. We were neither planning nor preventing a pregnancy. We believed strongly that if it was truly meant to be we couldn't stop it, whether it be pregnancy or not. We could've taken preventative measures with the snippy-snip or pills or whatever, but we believed it would've happened if we were meant to have three living children. Had we needed help, we could've taken fertility drugs, seen a doctor regularly, used special techniques, but if having just two living children was our limit, we still wouldn't have gotten pregnant.
What's meant to be will be. So, essentially we let God tell us. Putting that trust in God gave us confidence that whatever happened we could handle it. He's tested us before. The only prayer I have is that this baby is healthy and that we are meant to have three living children now that I am in fact pregnant. I would hate to have a fourth in Heaven. But our other three in Heaven are there because God saved them from illness...i'm thankful for that.
Mike and I believe in life at conception, so the moment we found out we were in love. Ah me, that first moment. What happened? I didn't think i was pregnant, so what made me test? The night before I tested I went out for the evening and took my Diva Cup along with me. I was two days away from when i expected my monthly gift so I wanted to be prepared. I honestly thought it could appear that night. I felt some cramping here and there, and even checked a few times throughout that day to make sure i wasn't missing the start. But it wasn't anything painful and there was no sign of needing the protection.
The following morning, Sunday April 10th, I emptied my trusty bladder like always. I thought nothing of testing until about a half-hour later. I don't know why i started thinking about it, but i couldn't escape from the need. I didn't feel any different physically from the day before and thought it more plausible that my period would come Monday and not really possible that I was pregnant. Nevertheless, I became annoyed with myself for having already gone to the bathroom. Use the first pee of the day, they say. But I simply couldn't wait until Monday. I had to test NOW! "Let's just do it, see the negative, then i won't have to think about it anymore and I'll get it tomorrow." My exact words, said out loud for the world to hear.
So i did it. And instead of walking away from the test for 3 minutes like I religiously had done so many times before, i stood there and watched. Ok there's the first line, test is working, that's good.. Nice and dark. And --- wait what!? My jaw dropped! In a bit of a daze I walked to the kitchen and set the timer for 3 minutes thinking maybe it'd change by the time i got back. It's not at all that i wanted it to change, as there's always a large part of me hoping to be pregnant, but i honestly thought i wasn't pregnant and i didn't want to be fooled. I returned to the bathroom and there they were, two really dark lines! I realized that first dark line I'd seen was the positive line rather than the control line, so i was VERY pregnant. My result lines are usually faint, but this one was like HEY YOU'RE PREGNANT!! And i was like holy moly i'm pregnant!!! Holy cow, oh my gosh, wow, i'm pregnant!!
Now, i should probably mention that it was just my daughter Kiley and me at home. Mike and my son Landon had gone out for awhile. So here we were, just the two of us, Kiley clueless as to what "OMG I'M PREGNANT" meant...and me having only a toddler (the most adorable toddler) to share in the experience. So I texted someone to get out some excitement. I know, I know, i'm supposed to wait, but i couldn't! The response was equally shocked and happy. "Does Mike know?" Not yet. He wouldn't find out until that night, just as the kids were going into bed. We spent the day together and i held it in. I didn't want to just come out with it and go about our day. I wanted to wait until our weekend had settled down.
So when we finally got home that night, I handed each of our our children a piece of paper and asked that they give them to their daddy. They did like perfect little angels. "Here daddy!!!!" they both said with big naive grins. Mike tried to be thrilled about these folded papers, saying "oh wow thank you". I laughed and told him he needed to open them. On the insides were two halves of the WORST print-out (our printer was out of ink) of the best pregnancy test. He had no clue what he was looking at, even after putting the two halves together. I explained to look closely, look for the two lines. He still was confused, but then he asks "are you pregnant?" And don't judge, because he was smiling, but his firsts reaction was to say "NOOOOOOOO!". We both laughed. He was quite knocked off his rocker. But he was happy...concerned about needing a new vehicle and another bedroom, but happy nonetheless.
And when it was all out in the open, all settled in our minds, he completed the moment with "when this baby is born and all is well, I'm getting snipped right away." Haha, that's my man!
WEDNESDAY APRIL 13TH
I have very little symptoms still. Its always hard when i don't, only because i fear maybe i'm not actually pregnant and my body is tricking me. But at the same time i don't feel like anything is wrong. With Kiley, my symptoms didn't start until about week 5 and they didn't really pick up until week 6. So i'm trying to stay as positive as possible.
I have one big fear. My miscarriages all occurred just days prior to a wedding, two for which i was the singer. I found out about each miscarriage just days before singing on the happiest days of my friends' lives. It was devastating but therapeutic as well. Nothing heals me like singing. Well, I happen to be singing in a wedding this month. April 23rd. At the same church i sang at after my first miscarriage. I feel like that day is a huge milestone. If we can make it past that day with no hiccups, we will be ok. I've been reminded by the few that know that this is a different pregnancy and to stay positive. So that is what i am doing. Bring it on world, this baby and I are ready!
FRIDAY APRIL 15TH
First appointment scheduled! Hard to believe I needed to do that again. But so happy I get the chance to experience this another time. I thought i was all done, that i'd never be pregnant again. I love being pregnant and am excited to take another ride! I will be seeing a Midwife I saw a lot during Kiley's pregnancy...and my very brief pregnancy with Poppy. I can't wait to see her again and tell her the news! I will be asking her if the hospital retained their allowance of waterbirths and if i can get a prescription for prenatal vitamins. The ones i've always taken are crap, the best i could afford, and I would put money on my body not really absorbing much of the nutrients. Being that i've had multiple miscarriages, grow small babies and birth them prematurely, taking the best prenatal vitamins makes sense. I think the more nutrients i can absorb, the longer my baby will stay in my body. Maybe i can actually make it far enough to qualify for a waterbirth! My goal is to not have a preemie this time. I'm ok making small babies, but Kiley was on the brink of being too small. My little peanut. I was prescribed progesterone during her birth to try keeping baking longer...it gave her one week more than Landon. So i'm thinking and hoping my Midwife will be just fine prescribing a really good and natural prenatal for me.
I've been feeling ok thus far, but still get anxious here and there. Whenever I think about my past pregnancies I fear that my lack of symptoms will follow suit with the ones that failed. However, my lack of symptoms during Kiley's first trimester led to more symptoms, an enjoyable pregnancy, and a beautiful birth. That thought keeps me seeing sunshine and rainbows. I had a few very light cramps, not sure i can really categorize them as such...maybe more of pin pricks. Sometimes I run to the bathroom just to make sure there's no bleeding. When there's none i take a sigh of relief. Everything will be ok, I just have to think POSITIVE and enjoy every moment! And i plan too.
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