It's funny how as soon as I find out I'm pregnant I expect to feel pregnant. As of now i feel nothing. I know it's only been days since I first saw that glorious positive test and only weeks since conception, but after miscarrying 3 out of 4 pregnancies it's scary to not feel any physical symptoms. There's always a fear that nothing is really happening and that my body is playing a trick on me. It's happened before, so why not again?
During my first pregnancy, I felt traditional stomach pains by 4 weeks. The sickness and late cycle prompted me to test. Little did I know we had already lost our little Stewie. We didn't find out until 14 weeks because my body carried on as if he was still alive. Similarly, my second pregnancy began with a slight feeling of sickness. The positive test didn't completely surprise me, but seeing an active baby at 6 weeks and then a lifeless body at 9 weeks was a shock.
We were devastated to have lost our baby Olive to Turner's syndrome. I had spent the next few months testing religiously. I felt pregnancy symptoms that were only in my mind and constantly wondered "what if". The increased stressed often delayed ovulation and subsequently my cycle. I was being given false hope. It was torture. I cried every time the result popped up negative and was heartbroken with the start of every late cycle. I tested simply to force myself to accept that i wasn't pregnant. Eventually I had to pick myself up from the floor, let go and live my life again. I stopped feeling sick each month and began accepting that we would survive if we never had a successful pregnancy. The following month I took another test to make sure I was consistent in my technique. I assumed the test would be negative again because I hadn't had any symptoms. But to my surprise, I was pregnant! And 31 weeks later i gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Landon was our little miracle baby!.
My fourth pregnancy began in much the same way as the previous, without any obvious symptoms. I tested only to make sure I could recognize a negative test and be confident if a positive one ever appeared. I hadn't even thought about the fact that my cycle was late. I was thrilled beyond words when I saw that second line! But it was extremely faint, which brought doubt. Although I was scared because of my past, and also had this gut feeling deep down that I shouldn't get too happy. I remained unemotional until I confirmed the result with the help of several more tests. However, that initial gut feeling wouldn't subside. Something wasn't right. At 5 weeks, i began feeling strong abdominal cramps and within a few days I had miscarried our tiny Poppy. I had convinced myself that a lack of symptoms early on would lead to a healthy baby like it had with Landon. This theory had failed me. I was emotionally lost until I remembered that miscarriages meant our babies weren't healthy and that this was the best outcome for them even if our family had to suffer through the losses. At least our babies would not suffer.
Now at the start of my fifth pregnancy I feel better emotionally than I did with Poppy. I feel genuinely happy. The underlying fear of a miscarriage remains to a degree, but I'm trying to remember that this pregnancy is a whole new journey. There is no reason to believe I will miscarry again. That said, it's scary to be feeling the same as when I'm not pregnant. So to put my mind at ease I took a second test 3 days after the initial test to see if the result line had darkened . . . it had! I think it's time we loved this experience again. We cannot know the outcome of this pregnancy, but my hope is that my husband and I will enjoy it regardless. Here's to another journey!